I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
