Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
