just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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