at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
