She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
