This dress was meant to end up on your floor
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
