i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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