It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
