You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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