Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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