Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
