K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
