You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
