I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
