Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
