i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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