i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
