I think scott just propositioned me for sex
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
