i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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