I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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