I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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