I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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