You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
