I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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