were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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