man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
