it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Randomize
