i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
