I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
