Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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