If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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