Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Princesses don't give blow jobs
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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