Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
