she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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