I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
