Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
