my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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