I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just high enough for therapy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
