This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
