the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
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