My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
