i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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