Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
