I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
