Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
