There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize