I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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