***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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