he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
