Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
