i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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