there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
