I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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